Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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