Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
