I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
