omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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