you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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