my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
