She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
