even my farts smell like vagina
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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