Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
