You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
BRING THE BAGELS
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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