i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
