You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
