Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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