I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Houston, we have a blender
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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