dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
