I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
