she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
