i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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