There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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