he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
