Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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