Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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