I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
