just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
