i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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