Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
