No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
