I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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