he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
