Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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