no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
