i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
