do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
