i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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