just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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