My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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