My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
