thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
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