I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
