got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
