omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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