i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
