Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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