I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
