There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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