I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
