I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he thought i was a dude.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
