my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
