rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Small penises have feelings too.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
