My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
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