I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
