you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
