I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
