Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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